You Have to Lose Yourself to Find Yourself
I’ve heard it said that the mind is like water. When it’s turbulent, it’s difficult to see. When it’s calm, everything becomes clear.
Much of my life has been spent trying to conform to people’s idea of who I should be. The cement kept piling on top of the real me and I lost myself somewhere along the way. I’ve always had a creative side – it was the side I nurtured and felt the most “me” that I could feel. I loved singing, writing, painting and drawing. As the years went by, conditioned by people and circumstances, I slowly stopped doing the things I felt passionate about and the shyness I already knew back then, tightened its grip on me. I reached a point where I hated myself and tried to be someone else, just to fit in.
Life went on, but I was merely a shell of the person I had first been. I thought I wanted to become an Attorney and after completing high school, with no financial means to study, I secured an administrative position and quickly worked my way to Office Manager. I set out to break away from the circumstances I had been accustomed to all my life and was determined to complete my studies, even with family standing on the sidelines eagerly waiting for me to fail. After a few months in, I decided to change my field of study and enrolled for a Degree in Industrial and Organisational Psychology. Fast-forward to 2019, I completed my Master’s Degree and was overjoyed. It was a milestone I had been determined to reach, fuelled by the doubters to push harder when things felt overwhelming. Academia has always been a part of me, so it doesn’t surprise me that subby was on board with that.
Somewhere amidst all the conditioning, I attempted to revive the things I felt passionate about. I started taking vocal lessons in 2013, and wrote and recorded a song titled “Redeeming Love” in 2014, which was played in over six countries. I wrote another and recorded another song, but only the guide track, which is saved on my laptop somewhere and has yet to be finished. I also took a leap outside of my comfort zone and did several live performances for the first time since I was 15 years old – it was the most alive I had ever felt. My shyness improved significantly, but I still heard the voice of wry self-depreciation ringing in my ears. Humour became a self-defence mechanism and I became good at masking how I felt.
My mind was, however, still turbulent. I was sitting behind a desk everyday, feeling more and more trapped like a caged animal. I was unhappy, overworked like a Hebrew slave and exhausted. I wanted out, but I didn’t know how. I was lost…
I knew had lost myself and needed to find “me” again, but I didn’t even know where to begin such a difficult journey.
In 2020, I lost my job and everything changed. The problem, however, was that I had placed my identity in my work and in that moment, it felt like my identity had been stripped from me. I felt even more lost and without purpose, but my determination to rise above my circumstances kicked in and I decided to start something that was completely out of my comfort zone – an online business. Suddenly I was self-employed, something I thought I never wanted to be, simply because I didn’t think I had what it takes. It’s not easy but, if it were, everyone would be doing it.
Slowly, over the past few months, I started becoming accustomed to working online. I made my first few sales and caught myself thinking, “I can actually do this!” I have also been able to flex my creative muscles by creating custom images and writing posts for social media.
Then along came Masterkey. It’s only been two weeks, but this week of the MKE was different, it felt different. Something shifted in me, like my mind has become calmer and I’m
starting to “see” again. For the first time in what feels like forever, it felt like years of cement was starting to crack and bits of my creative side started peering through the cracks, glistening like the sun’s reflection on a calm sea at sunrise. I started writing again and uploaded some of my photos to sell (I finally get to put that creativity out there for the world to enjoy). I feel excited about life again, like I am starting to find the part of me I had been searching for, the self that had existed during my early childhood, unmasked.
From Progress to Purpose
I have over 8 years of psychology studies saved on the hard drive of my subconscious, but even with all that, I never managed to get myself to where I am with Master Key in just two weeks. It all makes sense; the shapes, blueprint, DMP, daily reading, sitting perfectly still and inhibiting all thoughts (that’s a tough one)… Everything makes sense, it’s brilliant actually. So why was my life still so turbulent? It all comes down to that faulty blueprint with which I had
been building my life. I love the way it was said in Part 2 of the Master Key System, which Haanel quoted as follows: “Conscious mind is reasoning will. Subconscious mind is instinctive desire, the result of past reasoning will.” Finding out that we don’t actually have free will, because we have surrendered our free will to the years of accumulated habit, was really an eye-opener for me. It’s no wonder I wasn’t making any progress in my life!
I’m still a work in progress, gradually starting to turn thought into concentrated thought by focusing on my definite purpose, so that I can unlock the power within me that had been dimmed for so long and the MKE is the jolt I had needed. I’m finally making progress towards my purpose!